I'm Still Here

Straddling the line of what it means to show up in the space without abandoning myself

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

I started Substack earlier this year with surprising success in gaining some followers quickly. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what made that work and that is not what I have come here to write about. Gaining followers and putting my work out there was exciting but I also was trying not to focus on the numbers. I truly joined because I wanted to write and I wanted to put it out in the world. I was quickly humbled.

I am a late diagnosed AuDHD person who is in the process of unmasking and relearning herself. The reason I mention it is because it has what turned me back to writing in order to process this disorienting experience.

I am the type of person who needs structure and routine and I needed to find a way to fit this into world. So I committed to writing twice per week. I wanted to write about my experience but also share about topics that are poignant to me. I wanted to do this through a long form essay each week. And another post would be a collection of “what had me thinking” throughout the week. Whether it be other writing, a podcast, book or tv show, and then sharing it for others to think about it with me. I still love this format. But, a common challenge I face presented itself here. I need routine and structure so I show up even when I don’t want to. While simultaneously I need total flexibility to access creativity. As an AuDHD person this is a constant challenge

While this has been humbling, I deal with this struggle often so it shouldn’t have been a surprise. I quickly burnt out because it started to feel more like work. I wasn’t connecting to the creative part of me which is what I came here to do. So, I took a break.

Throughout this break I have been pondering about balance, change, commitment and getting clear on what I really want here. I truly did just want a place to share what I was writing. I can see now that the routine of writing and posting notes, started to tip into a space that felt more like work and quickly led me to losing steam.

At times I caught myself getting caught up in having gained an understanding in how Substack works with attracting people to your writing. It does take commitment to utilizing the notes feature. This is something I felt deeply torn about. I will say that it wasn’t something I considered in doing when I joined Substack. I started to participate, but I found that it was increasing my screen time and taking my attention. It was putting me in place where I felt I had to think of something to say, versus having something to say, and then showing up. This gave me pause because I had specifically walked away from others forms of social media to decrease screen time, improve mental health and shift how I spent my time. I have loved the outcome of this. For me it resulted in, way less time on phone and significantly more time being present with my family and with myself.

I know many could look at this and see it as an excuse. Perhaps it is. However, in teasing it apart further though, I know I wanted to stay aligned with my intention of being here in the first place, and I was comfortable with a couple hours of writing a week to do so. When I had to shift into the space of short form notes, just to keep readers able to read my work, I immediately lost interest.

It started to move thoughts towards the idea of balance and change. Again, two things that are constantly at odds as an AuDHD person. I am constantly trying to be aware of my capacity and what feeds it and what drains it. I am also deeply interested in writing and I am committed to it. So committed though that it really is a special interest of mine. And, as an AuDHD person when something shifts into a special interest area, there is no such thing as balance. It becomes all consuming. There is no middle ground. Same with change, I always resist it at first. I get worried about not just the change itself but what else it will uproot in life, my routines. I create routines so that I can be successful. So when one of them is threatened my nervous system resists. I have navigated enough changes in my life to know on the other side could be something great but I also know the energy and level of commitment it takes and at first that feels overwhelming and my resistance is how I am coping.

This experience has upended both of those things for me and left me honestly sitting with shame and hopelessness. I am worried that becoming committed to utilizing notes takes more time than I have capacity for and frankly am willing to commit.

I am also resisting change in general so much right now. I know what it looks like for me to commit to something and really go all in. I have two masters degrees, I have run ultra marathons, I have had a newborn while I was in the midst of getting my second master’s degree. It is not a question of capability. It is a question of where my energy goes. If I go all in here, will it shake my current state of balance? Will it take my energy away from my kids? Will I fail? But more importantly does it align with what I am working towards?

I haven’t written consistently in two months and the whole time I have felt frozen with guilt. I committed to this, and then I just stopped. It feels like quitting. But as I started to reframe this as a pause, I do think that I have found some clarity. Specifically, for right now, I am working on strengthening my writing skills and I want a place to share it. Substack is one vehicle to do that. I also want flexibility and not make this something it doesn’t need to be.

I want to better my writing skills because I genuinely enjoy writing. In stepping back, I realized that not everything I do needs to made into a full time job or side hustle. It is hard to straddle the tension of this because it feels like it lacks the structure I know I need. Even more though, I need is to stay in alignment with what I set out to do. From my vantage point I can write for enjoyment for me while also sharing it here, whether I have 1 reader or 1000.